MARRIAGE EQUALITY FOR WOMEN AND GIRLS NOW!

     Whenever a phrase suddenly appears in the collective consciousness like “Marriage Equality” has, it’s super important to take a step back and question where that phrase came from. I can tell you that there are only a handle of individuals on this planet who have the type of power to suddenly insert a phrase like that into the collective. One group has the desire to push society forward, and the other has the desire to keep people trapped. I can tell you that those who are trying to push everyone forward did not insert that phrase into the collective. So where did it come from, and why would it be used to control people? Given the context that it’s supposedly to help fight discrimination against same-sex couples it seems like it could never be a bad thing, right? However, much like the phrase “we’re pregnant” which has shown up everywhere, the underlying energy is one of misogyny, and keeping women from being fully empowered by suggesting that the simple act of being allowed to get married means that marriage itself is an equal endeavor for the men and women in it, and that once a woman is married her life is perfect and happy that she will never suffer inequalities within the context of the marriage. If women had marriage equality, I’m assuming that would also mean that we wouldn’t suffer any sort of domestic violence or abuse within the marriage. A phrase like Marriage Equality and the fight behind it, hasn’t done anything to address the massive amount of problems that currently exist with marriage in general, and how it’s been used under the patriarchy as a means to keep women in a submissive position to men.

     In order to understand how marriage has become what it has, I think we need to look at the history of marriage on this planet. Marriage was actually something that was started under the Matriarchy. This is probably going to be shocking to a lot of people given that the context of marriage under the Patriarchy has not been one of celebrating women. However, there were a few societies that did practice marriage, the one that seems to be most well known is Ancient Greece. Most societies didn’t do anything like this, however they all had celebrations that marked the three major transitions a woman goes through in her life. Just like having a celebration of her first period, it was also normal to have a celebration in which she would now transition into the Mother phase. It doesn’t surprise me that this celebration did coincide with a marriage type ceremony, but even in this context the entire ceremony was about the woman and her transition, not about the man. With that being said, the type of marriage ceremonies we have now, all stem from pagan traditions that were alive and well under the Matriarchy, as well as traditional hand-fasting ceremonies.

     Okay so then the Patriarchy comes along, and like these men who took over did with everything that was beautiful and sacred on this planet, they took this ceremony and made it into something that was all about a woman becoming a man’s property. She no longer had any rights as a human being once she was married, it was used to control and suppress women and girl’s sexuality, and women and girls were forced to get married in order to survive given that they were no longer allowed to hold property or have an income. Marriage went from being a beautiful ceremony that some cultures chose to practice, to being something that kept the female population on this planet severely enslaved in a cycle of abuse that’s been impossible to get out of. Women under the patriarchy had little to no say in who or when they got married, and it’s often been used a means to secure her socioeconomic status, seeing that she wasn’t allowed to work or given opportunities to support herself financially. Who a woman married determined her future, and more importantly it determined her survival. It was the only way she could advance her status in society, and this is still very true for a lot of women and girls worldwide. Has anyone noticed how in this post I have yet to use two important words in regards to women and girls getting married under the patriarchy: Choice and Love.

     Approximately 25,000 girls all over the world are forced to become child brides everyday. These girls are almost always forced to leave school, and will spend the rest of their lives being raped and beaten by their husbands. They have no say in what happens to their own bodies, and a lot end up dying at a very young age due to childbirth or end up suffering from a condition called fistula. While we in the United States, love to talk about the awful things that happen to girls in other countries, we often don’t talk about how much girls in this country suffer. Yes we have child brides here too. While one of the main large causes for child marriages that take place abroad is poverty, in this country men have gotten away with it because of Freedom of Religion. There are God knows how many cults in this country who practice child marriage and get away with it, because of their religion. The most well known is probably the FLDS, but there are also other polygamist cults that are smaller that practice this, as well as a variety of conservative Christian and even conservative Jewish groups that also force girls to marry when they are children. (I imagine that if we look closely enough we could probably find that almost every single major religion has some faction of itself in this country that uses religion as an excuse to marry girls off at a young age). It’s not surprising that we rarely hear their stories, because most of these girls are kept hidden away their entire lives, and unless they escape their cult which is almost impossible we don’t even know they exist. While the United States loves to condemn something like child marriages aborad, it does nothing to stop the systemic abuse of women and girls in this country.

      The number of women who have been killed as a result of domestic violence since we began this war in the Middle East is almost doubled that of the number of soldiers killed. Yet, we’ve heard all about soldiers who signed up for war and were killed and the tragedy behind that, and we never talk about these women who have been killed as a result of simply wanting to be loved. In most states its legal to fire or evict a woman, because she is the victim of domestic violence, which therefore reinforces that she somehow brought this upon herself and should be further punished for being abused. It also makes it even more difficult for here to escape this cycle of abuse and makes it more likely she will stay within the context of the abusive relationship. Domestic violence isn’t the only issues that makes marriage unequal for women. The wage gap is a big factor in women staying in unhealthy, abusive relationships. If women are not empowered economically we cannot marry for love. Once we’re in a relationship our financial independence or lack thereof will determine how long we stay if we are not happy. Most of the women and children in this country who are homeless are fleeing from abusive relationships. Where is their equality?

     Then we have the issue of reproductive rights. In most states it’s not legal for a woman under 18 to marry, except if she is pregnant. If she is pregnant in most states she can get married by the time she is 15 or in one state as young as 13. Shouldn’t we be focusing on making sure girls are sexually empowered and have access to reproductive rights and comprehensive sex ed, as well as making sure boys are taught responsibility as opposed to allowing them to get married to “fix” the problem? If women don’t have access to reproductive rights not just because of age, but also because of economic or legal reasons, that plays a huge part in them staying in an unhealthy marriage. It can also put them at risk for contracting HIV, having to keep an unplanned unwanted pregnancy, or even having a miscarriage as a result of abuse. We also have the fact marriage has been used worldwide to guard the virginity of girls. In this country we have purity balls, which force young girls to sign away their rights to their virginity to their dad who will safeguard it, until her wedding night, when her husband now becomes the sole owner of it. Not to mention, in most places in the world a women’s virginity is so guarded it’s the difference between life and death. There are multiples countries, most in the Middle East, but also a variety of ones in Latin America and in some place in Asia and Africa that have laws in which a girl is basically forced to marry her rapist, because the fact that she was raped and is therefore no longer a virgin brings so much shame to herself and her family that she must marry him to somehow make the situation better. There’s also virginity tests, which can lead to a woman being divorced in places around the world if it turns out she isn’t actually a virgin prior to getting married. Where are men’s virginity tests? Marriage under the Patriarchy has been used to enslave women’s sexuality and ensure that women won’t be able to have multiple partners or won’t be able to express their sexuality freely. Marriage has made women’s sexuality into something that only exists for reproduction, for men’s pleasure and men’s purposes. That’s why something like marital rape laws took a very long time to come into existence, as well as why rape within the context of marriage, still isn’t recognized as something that can happen in much of the world. Once she says “I do” it’s almost understood that he owns all parts of her.

     If marriage equality is going to be achieved, we’re also going to have to accept the fact that some women are gay and don’t want to marry men. This goes into all women being empowered financially everywhere in the world so that every woman can really choose to be with who they love, as opposed to them being with a man for survival. We don’t ever really talk about how many women and girls who are gay, are forced or pressured to marry men or boys, due to social, cultural, legal or economic factors. In order for them to be with who they love, then there needs to be a societal and cultural acceptance, that some women don’t want to marry men, and that some women who are straight also have no desire to get married in general. I think maybe this goes into my pet peeve, because I think it’s so annoying how because I’m a girl everyone assumes that I want to get married and always have wanted that, and when I tell them I don’t, they dismiss it like they don’t respect my decision. I think there is way too much pressure on all women to get married in general, and a lot of propaganda that targets you from a young age as a girl trying to convince you that this is the only thing you could possibly ever want. That marriage and having a man is the only thing that will ever make you happy, satisfied, fulfilled or complete. All the while the reality of most relationships with men are toxic and abusive, and none of this is being taken seriously.

     My goal with opening this box of Marriage Equality is to address all the issues that are making marriage unequal for women and girls, in the hope that it will not only draw attention to all these subjects, but will also inspire ideas from other women of how we can celebrate love in a way that doesn’t hurt us. That doesn’t make us feel alone unsupported, or disrespected. I feel like it’s really easy to feel alone when you have a boyfriend or husband because your life experiences are so different and you have such different rights in our society that it’s like you don’t really have anything in common. They can’t really understand what it’s like to be a woman, and not be valued for being that and what your life is like on a daily basis because of your gender. I always say it’s impossible to have an equal relationship, when one person in that relationship is inherently unequal in every aspect of society.