MARRIAGE EQUALITY FOR WOMEN AND GIRLS NOW PART 2!

     Girls are raised in our society and world to only value the opinion of men. They are raised to believe that what a man thinks of them, is more important than anything and that if they want to ever be loved they must make sure that they are approved of in the eyes of men. This conditioning starts from the moment girls get here. Girls are not looked at as the leaders or forward thinkers of society, all the individuals we’ve been taught who supposedly are the smartest, fastest, coolest people are men. Men have put on an untouchable pedestal under the Patriarchy. This position of power over women has been held up predominantly through fear, but also through the constant psychological degradation of women. By that I mean, beating women down so consistently from the time we are little girls, that we genuinely believe that we are not lovable, worthy, or valuable. It leaves this huge aching gap in us, that than can easily be filled by any man, who is even remotely nice to us for more than five minutes. It gives men a lot of power over women and over our own self-worth, and self-esteem. What would happen if instead we raised girls to be self-confident, strong and to learn to love themselves unconditionally? That their job is to love them, it’s not the job of boys to do that for you, and that ultimately you will always love yourself more than anyone else will. That your job as women isn’t to support men in following their dreams, but to support yourself in following your own dreams. Instead of marrying the president, you need to be the president. What would that look like? How would that change our relationships and especially our marriages?

     I think one of the big changes is that girls wouldn’t be so easily persuaded to change their last names in the context of a marriage. It’s no longer about some man choosing you, because he’s the only one whose opinion matters, and has become so God-like that him choosing you, makes you feel special. That his approval of you means that for once in your life you matter. That you don’t need to change your identity or give up anything about who you are as a person to be with him, to be ultimately loved. The problem is that women are so beaten down all the time, that most women genuinely believe they are completely unlovable, and unimportant, so it makes it very very easy for men to just come in and take advantage of all of that. Instead of men coming from a higher place, and choosing to change the way women are treated by our society, and helping to empower them and their self-esteem. So all her self worth comes from within, and she doesn't need to look for it outside. However, men probably won’t do that because then they would lose a massive amount of power over us, and it would ultimately change every aspect of our relationships with them. Women probably won’t be so willingly to give away their last names, or just go along with whatever it is he wants in the context of their relationship.

     When you do start to change a core part of yourself like your name, to be with a man, you give up a huge part of your power. Once you open that door, it’s very very easy for the rest of your power to be taken from you. You start to become more and more invisible in the relationship and in life. If it’s so important for couples to have the same last name, then why can’t men just change their last names? Why have they made it virtually illegal in all but six states for a man to change his last name to that of his wife’s? Why would they even go that length? I think the best way to look at the whole name changing is in the context of the celebrity world. A female celebrity who changes her last name, will most likely forfeit her entire career, because no one knows who she is anymore, which is probably why none of them are really changing their last names. For a lot of them if they get married they are just adding their husbands last name to theirs. That shows how powerful an impact your name has on your life. Maybe you aren’t a female celebrity, or a big time business woman, but that doesn’t mean you’re not important. What will you lose when you change who you are?

     Within this Marriage Equality debate, the current divorce rates have been brought up a lot as an argument as to why everyone should be allowed to get married. I have a lot of of problems with that being used as an argument. Whenever a relationship doesn’t work out the woman is always blamed for it, and women internalize this burden a lot. I think brining that up is an attack on women and I think it makes it sound like women who make those vows have done so half-heartedly and I don’t think any woman has ever gone into a marriage with the idea that she would get divorced at some point. I think that argument inflicts a lot of pain on women and feeds into shame and stigma that already surrounds divorce in our society. I think it makes more sense just to say something like everyone should be allowed to get married, because everyone should be treated equally and keep it at that. That is a message that everyone can get behind, and that doesn't end up hurting a group of people who have long  been huge supporters of LGBT rights. Just because a woman is divorced doesn't mean she did anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with her, or she should be an outcast in society.

     I think it’s really sad that when a woman gets married and it ends in divorce it’s considered a failure, and for that matter any relationship she is in at any point in her life that doesn’t end in marriage is also considered a failure by society’s standards. If a marriage doesn’t work out it just means it ended, it doesn’t mean it was a failure. What’s really painful about all of this, is that the reasons a woman gets divorced in the first place are usually because she’s being abused, or mistreated in other ways. A woman getting out of an unhealthy relationship or one that she isn’t happy or safe in, should ALWAYS be considered a success. It’s very difficult and scary for women to leave abusive relationships, or relationships in which she just isn’t happy. This is because women are not taught to stand up for themselves, and we are conditioned to put ourselves last. Along with having little to no societal support that enables us to stand on our own two feet, free and independent from men. Anytime a woman puts herself first, it should always be supported. Any time she stands up for herself it’s a huge step in the right direction.

    With that being said wouldn't it make more sense if women who get married many times are seen as the luckiest in our society. I mean think about it, she fell in love multiple times in her life, so much so that she wanted to let the whole world know. Why is that seen as a failure, is she’s been married, divorced and married again? Or married again more than twice?

     I’ve been lucky enough to fall in love twice in my life, and I went through this period where I thought maybe I had hit my quota and the universe wouldn’t send me another man to fall in love with, but after a lot of examination I realized how ridiculous that idea is, and that I’m sure there’s many more men I might have the opportunity to fall in love with. Why shouldn’t we celebrate that as women, it’s a positive thing! Women should never feel ashamed or feel like they have to downgrade a marriage, because it’s not their first. Especially since, the older you get as a woman the more you realize what you want and who you are, and you usually end up then finding a partner who really loves you the way you are. Which means that your second or third marriage is probably going to be a lot happier and more fulfilling than your first. Why can’t we be proud of successful relationships?

     I think another part of the problem with bringing divorce rates in general into the equation is that, in a lot of places in the world women still can’t get divorced, or even if it’s legal for them to do so, they can’t leave the marriage because they don’t have financial independence or they can’t access domestic violence services. Basically, society has kept them stuck in that cycle of abuse. Women might also stay in these relationships due to cultural or religious reasons, especially surrounding fears of being rejected by society or their families. They might also stay, because they think it’s what is best for their children, or in a lot of countries women who divorce their husbands also lose any and all rights to their children. In this country the laws are written to favor the mother in child custody cases, however for the last 20 years the court systems have actually been favoring the dads. This has led to many women who get divorced losing their children to their ex-husband who is usually abusive, and continues to abuse the children to get back at his ex-wife for divorcing him. Women who end up in this situation might go back to the abusive man, or choose not to go through with the divorce, in order to not lose their children.

     Overall I don’t like the idea of divorce being used as a negative. For many women worldwide and in this country, those who have been able to get a divorce and keep custody of their children has ended up saving their lives. As well as permanently ending the cycle of abuse that women and children have been in. Of course divorce rates are going to go up as women gain more and more rights, specifically financial rights, because then we actually have power to make decisions in regards to our own lives. Of course marriages rates will also fall as women gain more independence, because then we don’t have to put up with abuse to begin with, and we don’t need to get married to survive.  If we are really going to champion for Marriage Equality then there a lot of issues that need to be addressed that go way beyond the simple act of just being allowed to legally marry someone who is the same sex as you. We need to address ever issue that is making marriage unhealthy, or unequal for women and girls, as well as for children who are the products of that relationship. If there is going to be marriage, there will also inevitably be divorce, because not every relationship is going to last forever, and thinking otherwise is just naïve, ignorant, and does nothing to address the pain that a lot of women feel, because their relationships didn’t end up fulfilling a fantasy that was sold to them when they were five.