SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

   
     The theme for this most recent shift in the Ascension process has been all about me learning to love and accept all aspects of myself. No more judging myself, just accepting everything about me. Amazingly when this was all coming up it kept coming up in terms of my relationships. I realized that I judge myself a lot in that arena, and maybe that’s why it’s something that is always on my mind, and seems to come up a lot in my writing. I’m just trying to figure this whole thing out.

     I definitely have a relationship pattern. I tend to go through phases where I like to just make-out with random guys and have fun and not take anything seriously. After doing that for awhile I get bored, and I want to be in a relationship, so then I end up being with someone for many months or even over a year, and then I feel stifled so they end it or I end it. Then I feel like I’m finally free so I go back to my old pattern of hooking up with random cute guys I meet, or dating someone for a few months, but nothing really serious, until I once again get bored and go back to wanting an actual boyfriend. However, my relationship pattern works for me. I personally don’t have any problems with it. Then comes in all this shitty female conditioning that my only purpose of being here is to have a husband and bear his children (not even my children, just his!) and so anything outside of that means that I am somehow failing, both in relationships, and in life as a woman. That’s a pretty small box to be put into.

     I think for me personally I’m not meant to have any sort of a lifelong relationship. I don’t think that’s part of my personal mission in this life, and I think I get so confused from all these outside messages, which make me feel bad about my relationship history. That it means there’s something wrong with me, or I must be doing something wrong. When in fact it’s just not what I think is suppose to be part of what I’m suppose to learn in this life. And the weirdest part about it, is that one reason I like being with different men, is because I feel like I learn so much about myself, and I guess I feel like if I were to just get married and be with one man for the rest of my life, I don’t know if I would continue to grow spiritually or otherwise. I think this is something I see so much with women. In general, most men try to hold us back, and so women don’t end up reaching their full potential. I don’t want to get trapped in that, and I think it’s so easy to. Especially, when you are so in love, and if things go bad, then you just spent all these years with him, which you could’ve been devoting to yourself.

      I guess I also don’t want to get trapped into pretending that I’m happy with a man, because we’re married and have babies and golden retrievers, when I could NEVER be happy with that lifestyle. It isn’t for me. Maybe, there’s a few select women who it actually does make happy, but I’m certainly not one of them.

     There’s been this big push to stop judging myself for it, and to just love me, and accept that there isn’t anything wrong with that. It’s completely okay for me to be a lifelong bachelorette, or even to change my mind and try marriage at some point (even writing that makes me cringe, I really do like the idea of buying a beautiful dress and having an entire day to celebrate me, but I don’t like the idea of then having this man around me all the time, who never leaves, Why won’t he leave???) I don't like the idea of feeling trapped. If my relationship pattern works for me, and makes me happy then I’m not doing anything wrong. I sometimes wonder if it’s part of why certain men are really attracted to me, because at the end of the day they know that they will never really have me. Because no one gets to have me. I made a decision a long time ago in which I could either belong to one, or belong to many, and I think in this lifetime more than any others, the whole belonging to many is going to become very obvious. We always want what we can’t have, don’t we? I guess my prerogative has always been did I make the right decision? I’m not sure yet, and more importantly that’s okay. I do think this is the lifetime in which I will get my answer though. I guess if it turns out that I wish I had made a different decision I can always change course, right? Nothing is ever really set in stone. 

     There is this really great scene from the final episode of The Carrie Diaries, in which Carrie talks to one of her friends about her relationship with her on and off again boyfriend. As her friend says, “women like us are restless, so we’re always a little bit unhappy,.... and you need a man who gets that, who gets you.”  They wouldn’t let me embed the video so instead I’m just putting a link. The scene is around 25-27mins into the episode. 

http://www.cwtv.com/cw-video/the-carrie-diaries/kiss-yesterday-goodbye/?play=b1df8c29-53b7-4476-be2f-3943e61fafd8

***It seems like there's this huge connection between my financial situation and my relationship pattern. I always feel like I'm failing financially, because I never seem to have any money, no matter what I do. In regards to this my star family said: "It's not about letting a man take care of you, it's about letting the universe take care of you." Usually though they just point to all the trees outside my house and say "I don't know what you're talking about, there's money everywhere!"