ADOPTION MAY NOT BE THIS GREAT FAIRYTALE

         
     Growing up I always planned on adopting a bunch of children when I was older. I always saw myself going into an orphanage full of children and just taking them all home. I was under the impression like most people, that these children were unwanted, abandoned, unloved and just desperately needed someone to take care of them. I was functioning from the same narrative that has been playing out everywhere in regards to adoption. That a loving a couple will come in and in affect save all these unwanted discarded children, who had the unfortunate privilege of being born to a mom who was just heartless and didn’t want them. This evil invisible woman that was so cold she didn’t even want her own children.

     Of course the older I got, and the more I began to become insanely involved in women and girl’s rights the more I saw how untrue this whole narrative actually is. I’m sure any woman reading this doesn’t have to even state how complicated and difficult it is being a woman in a world in which we are placed last at all points. Being part of a collective which doesn’t run any governments in the world, owns only 1 percent of land worldwide, and owns about 10 percent of the worlds resources, makes it difficult to take care of ourselves, let alone another human being. When you combine all of these with just flat out discrimination against women, lack of opportunities, the wage gap, and higher rates of poverty amongst women, it’s actually really surprising that adoption isn’t even more common than it currently is. When you start to actually see the women behind these so called “unwanted” babies as human beings and start to just slightly pull the veil back to reveal how they ended up in that position to begin with, you see how complex, complicated this issue really is. The narrative of an evil woman throwing away her child, instead becomes a woman stuck in the cycle of poverty, feeling completely hopeless that she will ever get out, her baby who has been labeled as being unwanted, because a small child that she is desperate to get out of that situation and wants to see go to college even if that means giving him up, and the narrative of the hero couple who stepped in to save this abandoned unloved child, actually becomes people who are in a very strong power position over the birth mother who really are just bordering on, if not stepping over into a position of exploiting her and her situation.

     Changing the narrative to something a bit more accurate probably doesn’t sit well with people, especially in regards to the adoptive parents, because suddenly they are the ones who are being questioned in regards to why they are adopting this child, instead of say supporting the birth mother so that whatever reasons are causing her to doubt if she can be a parent will no longer be a concern. Especially, since a lot of children who are put up for adoption are put up due to socioeconomic reasons. Why does anyone have a right to exploit a woman or child because they are poor?  I have a lot of issues with adoptive parents being seen as these great saviors of this child, and the woman behind the child, the child’s mom, is completely invisible and her story is completely unheard. I think it’s because if we all were forced to see her as a human being, and listen to her story, we could no longer justify adoption. Suddenly she becomes a real woman, who is in a heartbreaking situation due to real problems, but problems that we can most likely resolve, and therefore help her keep her child. This means that all these couples who want or feel that they are somehow entitled to a child, will most likely not be able to get one, because the focus will be on preventing adoption with the goal of eliminating it all together. It also takes them out of the position of being these heroes who have done this miraculous deed. Once again, none of these child are really unwanted or abandoned, but end up where there due to a lot of societal factors. These kids don’t need a mom, because they already have one, and the focus should be on keeping moms and their children together, and on eliminating factors like poverty that make it really difficult for them to have the life they deserve to have. There are also a lot of issues with the adoptive parents being put in this hero position, especially since some adoptive parents go on to abuse and in some cases severely abuse their adopted children. It probably makes it easier for them to get away with it, because people have already labeled them as the savior in this situation, and therefore they can’t also be the victimizer.

      If these kids are not seen as being unwanted, it makes it hard for anyone to justify taking them away from their moms. Once again it calls into question all these couples who have created a billion dollar worldwide market for “unwanted, abandoned” children. It also calls into question everyone else involved in it, from adoption agencies, to lawyers, to anyone else who is profiting off of this industry.  Would a narrative of children who are very loved and wanted by their moms, but whose moms are stuck in poverty and can’t feed them, really be as easy to sell? We know that separating a child from it’s birth mother, whether it is through adoption or through surrogacy, causes a lifetime of problems for both the child and the mom. We know that there are extremely high rates of secondary infertility for women who put their children up for adoption as well as for women who acted as surrogates. We know that separating these two individuals causes problems, so then why are we doing this? Shouldn’t we all be fighting for a world in which every child has a right to stay with their birth mother? And shouldn’t we instead be advocating to end any issue that might cause a woman to feel such desperation?

     The logical answer is yes, but adoption, just like surrogacy and egg donation are all extensions of billion dollar industries and I doubt that any of the individuals profiting greatly from this are going to be so quick to shut them down. These industries become even more disturbing when you look at them on a worldwide scale. Probably over the last 20 years or so it’s become increasingly more common for individuals to adopt from developing countries. I would imagine that the more women in the U.S. gain reproductive rights, as well as have access to higher levels of education and therefore can earn more money, that the number of children placed up for adoption would significantly decrease. Which means we would have to go else where to find a new group of poor women we can exploit. I know a lot of people of color have issues with children who aren’t white being adopted by white American couples. I think most don’t feel comfortable publicly saying that, but I will go ahead and do it for them.

     The role of specifically white men in regards to people of color, both in this country and abroad, has been one throughout history of domination. Of going into another country and taking advantage of people through violence or other forms of force. Seeing children from developing countries, be adopted by wealthy white Americans doesn’t sit well for a lot of people who have experienced being on the other side of this. I think it kind of feels like you’ve already taken so much from us, and now you’re taking away our children? Especially when you consider that it hasn’t been uncommon both in this country or in places like Australia, for the children of the Native populations to be kidnapped by the government and placed into homes to be raised by white couples, with the idea of turning the kids “white”. I remember when I was researching my own history of why none of my Mexican relatives seemed to know any Spanish, I found a lot of unsetting things. My relatives lived in what is now known as Arizona, but at the time it was Mexico, before the U.S. acquired that land as well as a lot of land around that area. While they didn’t send any of the Mexicans who lived there back to the land that was now known as Mexico, they did round up all the children in those areas, and forced them to go to “white schools” in which they were beaten if they spoke Spanish, in an attempt to make them “white”.

     I think when people of color see all these children who aren’t white being adopted by white people we’re reminded of all these painful situations and of our children being taken advantage of because of who they are, instead of being given support and love and their parents being given opportunities. Especially, when you go to a developing country to adopt a child, the narrative of the unwanted, poor child because easier to be played out, because Americans already have all these ideas of people abroad  being almost “less than” especially if they are from a poorer country. While it’s easier to play this narrative out, it also becomes even more problematic. A lot of these kids who have been adopted on an international platform, were never actually put up for adoption, but were actually kidnapped by human traffickers who realized awhile ago that adoption is another huge money making business. I doubt that many adoptive parents, even take the time to search out and find the birth mother and make sure she actually gave up this child as opposed to it having been stolen. Or maybe the few that have tried, have been told a sob story by the agency who is well aware of where these kids are coming from, but are just another extension of the human trafficking business and looking to make money. Or if the agency says they don’t actually know where this child came from, shouldn’t that also send a lot of red flags?

     The next time you see one of these adopted or so-called “unwanted” children I want you to imagine the woman behind him or her. The one who created them, carried this child in her body, gave birth to it, and see her as a compassionate caring human being. The next thought should be then Why did she give up her child? What are the circumstances behind it?  What is her story? Why can we do to help support women both in this country and on a worldwide scale so that these circumstances won’t even exist in the first place? How can we take her from being invisible to being seen, and what can we do to make sure that she is given every opportunity to be the amazing mother that we all know she can be.